Anderson Cooper is no stranger to springing shocking, headline-making news on the world. Remember when the steel-eyed talking head, who looks as straight-arrow as Dan Rather, revealed that he has the coolest iPod of any serious journalist on television, his CNN on-the-road playlist including Sugar’s “Needle Hits E”, the Hives’ “Hate to Say I Told You So”, and Interpol’s “Slow Hands”.
On the September 10 season premiere of Anderson Live, however, the Coop completely outdid himself in his ongoing, above-and-beyond efforts to stun the world. After getting pop superstar Beyoncé Knowles to sit down with him on camera, he pried a secret out of her that knocked Destiny’s Child fans around the world on their asses.
The revelation was as bizarre as it was sick. With nary a smirk, a wink, or anything remotely resembling a well-honed sense of irony, Beyoncé looked at Cooper and made the following admission: “I love changing diapers, I love it. I love every moment of it—it’s so beautiful.”
Among those who were floored by this was Hugh Hefner, who quickly hopped on Twitter to announce he suddenly had a raging, diamond-cutter-strength erection.
Sorry, fetishists, but Beyoncé was talking about changing the diapers of Blue Ivy, her nine-month-old child with some rap guy named Jayzee Hover, who reportedly also loves the smell of a freshly-filled-to-the-elastic-waistband pair of Huggies.
This raises one question: what the hell is wrong with the two of them? It also makes one wonder whether, in addition to being covered in shit at the end of each massive soiling, they are also totally full of shit.
Diaper duty is what the hired help is for. And considering Beyoncé and her husband, Jayzee Hover, seem to spend every second week cruising the Mediterranean in a rented, aircraft-carrier–size luxury yacht, it’s not like they’re jet-setting around the world with no hired help. When you’re one of the biggest pop stars on the planet, you can do anything, including ordering the first mate to hold Blue Ivy’s little legs while the captain of the ship does the wiping.
So Beyoncé can claim she loves reporting for diaper-dumper duty all she wants, but here’s wagering a jar of Gerber stewed prunes, a bag of boiled-in-Olestra potato chips, and two heaping servings of Bowel Buddy that Consuela usually ends up drawing the short straw at change time.
The glamorous singer went on to tell Cooper that she now knows why she was put on this earth. “I realized why I was born, and more than anything all of the things I want to pass on to my child,” she said. “And the best way of doing that is not by preaching or telling her but showing her by example.”
Now, that’s considerably more believable. And the great thing is that, when it comes to the wonderful world of pop music, she’s anything but alone. Think of all the chart-topping mothers out there doing their best to show their kids how a life is truly best lived. Christina Aguilera teaching little Max Liron Bratman that nothing tastes better on a good-morning bowl of Cap’n Crunch than a freshly whipped-up Cotton Candy Mojito. Britney Spears doggedly impressing upon her young offspring, Sean Preston and Jayden James, that farting like a broken-down racehorse not only feels good, but is probably good for you. Courtney Love showing Frances Bean how you can get repeatedly sued using nothing more than a Twitter account.
And think of the important lessons that will be learned when the childless chart-toppers of today start using their cooters for that which God intended. Rihanna’s everlasting message to her daughter will be that after you’ve finished leading with your face during curbside boxing matches with your partner, it’s Christian to forgive, forget, and then reconnect once you stop looking like the Elephant Man. Lady Gaga will teach her kids that nothing makes a statement on the first day of kindergarten like a dress made out of stinking red meat.
And Katy Perry will instill in her offspring the idea that boobs—glorious, glorious rocket-ship-shaped boobs—should be stuck in the face of anyone who looks like they’d be remotely interested in ogling them. Including Anderson Cooper, who, no doubt, would be game for digging up some deliciously dirty personal details on the human blowup doll behind them.